Trying to get over myself

I don't exactly know why, but I have this thing where I really don't want to run with boys - especially boys that I happen to be dating. This has always been true. I know I'm not alone in this affliction as Amy and I have discussed it on many occasions. I think it has something to do with feeling inadequate. Yes, I'm allowed to psychoanalyze myself. Of course, I won't share all of my thoughts on this subject with you, dear reader, but I did want to write a little bit about this. I recognize that it's somewhat silly. Still, the feeling is one of discomfort (not the normal physical discomfort of running.... more psychological/emotional discomfort)... of feeling like I'm not fast enough of a runner and that my S.O. is 'humoring me' by running at such a slow pace... and that leads to feeling pissed off somehow... like I'm being patronized or something. No, it doesn't have to be logical or make sense. So, those bad feelings (which undermine my confidence in my running) coupled with the normal discomfort of running make for not such fun times.

When I first started running many moons ago, I would forbid my S.O. at the time from running with me. He had rowed crew in college and is one of those natural athletes that can wake up one day and run Broad Street without having trained and do it in a respectable time. Not me. I had to train for months and months and months to be able to sustain a halfway decent pace for the duration of the race. Over time I did allow him to run with me, though on very rare occasions. Eventually, because life is sometimes kind and irony can work in one's favor once in a while, I became much more fit as my S.O. continued to be lethargic. After a good long while, I actually wanted him to join me on the occasional run - mostly because I didn't like his lethargy and worried about his health.. but also because I knew I was the one with the upper (running) hand. Save any (God-forbid) catastrophe, this will never happen in my current relationship.

And all this brings me to my run today. If you haven't surmised by now, Seebo and I ran together this morning. He took me on a 6+ mile jaunt near the Art Museum that I imagine he has run many, many times. Given my above stated craziness, I was unsure of how I'd feel on this run. And now, several hours after the run, I'm still not really sure how I felt on the run. Not knowing the route I think added to the feelings of discomfort and uncertainty. Yes, I felt like I was holding him back. Of course he was gracious and kept pace with me. I know he was glad to be running together and less concerned about running anything close to SPRNTC fast. I'm hoping I can get over myself and enjoy running with him for the sake of running with him. But I suppose I have many more miles to log before that occurs.

A lot of internal drama in 6.25 miles (55 minutes and change).